I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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