i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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