She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
