It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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