No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
