If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
