dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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