Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
