Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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