Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm determined to sit on that face.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
