im six kinds of drunk right now
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
