I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
