His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
