they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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