Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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