twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
