I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize