we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
