Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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