Pappa wants mamma naked
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
worst night to have a conscience
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
