I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
