shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
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You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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