Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
