I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
