Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
