Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
