Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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