I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
