The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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