And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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