this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
