The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
