i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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