Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
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