he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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