we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
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Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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