Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
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