Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
