A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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