I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
