Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
