Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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