so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
