May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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