Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
