Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
