I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I AM VODKA MAN
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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