my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
