i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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