Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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