I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Still dying that you shit outside
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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