Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
So squirting runs in the family.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
