i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I can text with my tongue
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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