...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
