There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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