you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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