I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
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Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
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