I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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