I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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