he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
