Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
